I wish I was one of those people that stopped eating and lost weight when they were stressed. Nope, I blow up to the size of a small country again. I try to eat well during my break. I try to stick with the grilled chicken and fruit/salads. I guess eating snacks for dinner (bc i can't freaking cook) is not such a good thing. And the fact that I often binge on ice cream and other crap when I'm upset doesn't help much either.

I had my tv on one of those cool channels were it just plays music one Sunday as I was getting ready for church. I found it only fitting to listen to the contemporary Christian station. Side note: a lot of the songs are from the 80's. I thought a lot of contemporary christian music today was cheesy....HOLY COW! Anyway, I heard this song and the first two lines made me stop and really listen to the entire song. I just cried as I listened to it. I'm sure you'll understand why.

just had my last tuesday night. on tuesday we all get together and watch tv. nothing fancy...except psycho rapists and bad people that do bad things with knives to women! it's really just an excuse for us all to spend time with each other every week. no, i'm not dying or anything but this part of my life is slowly being laid to rest. i am so tired of being so emotional. i know that everyone thinks i'm just sad because i won't be involved as much in my friends' lives and i won't be a part of things anymore. yes, that's a part of it, but it goes so much deeper than that.

nobody from my north greenville "family" knows who i was before i came to college. if you were to go talk to people at my home church who watched me grow up they would tell you that i am a completely different person. i remember my music minister telling me about a year ago that when i was in my mid-teens, he was scared about where i was going to end up in life. he told me when he looked at me then he saw this scared, timid, introverted girl who thought absolutely nothing of herself. then, after my dad died he said it got worse.

to make a lifetime long story short, i completely found who i am in Christ during my college years at north greenville. i know this might come as a shock for some people, but the majority of my life change was not because of the school. it was because of the relationships i developed with my friends and the influence and accountability i found in them. God placed certain people in my life even before i stepped foot on the campus to aide in my "self-discovery" (rachel hampton) and continued day by day rocking my world by allowing me to see what true acceptance from my peers was all about. i was able to develop a sense of self-worth that i had never even fathomed before. Jesus Christ changed my life and i was finally able to realize that i did have a purpose. i've never been the "talented" one in my groups of friends but i have discovered and believe with all my heart that God will use me in some capacity as long as i'm willing to serve Him.

it was during my time in greenville that i found my intense passion for the people of Moldova. God used Dr. McWhite in a major way to expose me to the possibility of serving Him overseas. Even though i never went on a mission trip through the school, i would have never been willing to go without the enthusiasm and emphasis on foreign missions at ngu. my life has been forever changed by my time in moldova and my relationships with the people there. it will be a part of my future...don't know the details yet as far as if i will be living there full-time, but it's definitely a recurring thought.

i could go on and on, but really the reason i share this is just to say that i honestly feel like the real me was exposed during my 5 and a half years living in greenville. this is the first and only place where i have lived on my own and been my own "adult" self. i have roots. heck, i feel like the very heart of who i am is grounded here. i know that north augusta is only 2 and a half hours away (thanks to everyone for continually pointing that out to me!) but it's change and it's new. i struggle with change and new. but, if moving to north augusta...or even moldova one day...is what i have to do to be obedient then i will. i know that moving is the best thing for me. it's just hard to fully grasp that concept when almost every single piece of who i am and what i love is in greenville.

i could go on and on, but i just wanted to express that. i know i have promised myself never to expose myself this much on here anymore, but after everyone left my apartment and it was just me sitting alone again, it was hard to just think these thoughts in my head. i hope and pray that my family in columbia/kingstree know how much i love and appreciate them. i hope and pray that my family in greenville knows how much i love and appreciate them.

if you made it here, good job.

I swear, it's almost like he was reading my thoughts with this! Some days I'm more excited than others. Today would count as one of those "other" days. I really don't know if I'm more mad or hurt. When I think about the people who have affected my life recently I am both. So now, confiding in people is something that I absolutely hate because I always seem to get hurt. I let people in and somehow I end up paying the price for it while everyone else involved doesn't have a clue. I'm tired of allowing myself to be hurt. 

Something has been brought to my attention this week and it makes me FURIOUS! I am so stinking tired of my life being dictated by others. I know God has a plan for my life and I know what He has called me to do. It shouldn't matter what flipping church I go to. I will always support Newspring. You can debate every inch of what goes on in the walls of that building but you can't debate the life change that I, myself, have had since I have been there. And I don't give the credit to the pastor, or the worship leader, or the advanced technology stuff. The credit goes to the Lord. He is the one that uses the people and the ideas to reach people. I leave every Sunday feeling challenged, disciplined, discipled, encouraged, uncomfortable (because of areas that I need to work on that the Lord convicted me of), and equipped. It is not some happy pill that I take every Sunday. I don't go to Newspring because they have cool things and a lot of money. I go to Newspring because Jesus is lifted up and He is the focus of everything.

Honestly, I should just move to Moldova.